@myonlymizztake: These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don't tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
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@amyjcordova: Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous? Me: The blood of all my enemies. Bartender: Me: Bartender: Me: Miller Light
@FuttyNudgekins: When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder...does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
@lazerdoov: I bought "extra whitening" toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
@ninjabaconpizza: My wife saw someone kill horses in Minecraft and she is making me build a Minecraft memorial for dead Minecraft animals.