These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
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Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
only 11 steps left
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
“That’s what” – She
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.