“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
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Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.