[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
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Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I have a new favorite meme page
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
hi why am I like this
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”