these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
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Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
If you’re testing me, we failed.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Breaking news:
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.