They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
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[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church