I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
You Might Also Like
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
The struggle is real
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
6: are snakes just neck?
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.