They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
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Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Very good! 👍😂
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.