They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
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my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Spring of Deception
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.