They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
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I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?