@PaulyPeligroso: They call Japan the "Land of the Rising Sun". Is that why they look like they're squinting all the time?
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@sarcasm_inc: [airport security pulls Robocop aside] -Got ID? I AM A POLICE OFFIC- -Murphy eh. Looks nothin like u. THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT SH- -Save it pal
@The_Sculptress: Remember that time when you didn't call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?nnSo sad. Really.
@jake_likes_naps: Karen: Are we ok? Me: [removes earbud] Yes. Karen: It's just that you named a Spotify playlist "LET'S GET DIVORCED"
@TheBoydP: It's hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it's parked?