They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
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Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.