they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
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INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you