They did not think through this water fountain
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Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
notice
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.