They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
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SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less