They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
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I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.