@Duke1173: They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
@ilovepie84: A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
@junejuly12: Him: I really like your car
H: What is it?
@Tmoney68: A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
@ReeseButCallMeV: Boss: How come I don't see you doing any work?
Me: Because you have no imagination!
@GABBYdaAngSaya: 911: What's your emergency, sir?
Me: I'm being taken away by ducks! I'm being-
911: Please don't do this, sir
911: *hangs up*