{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
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My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
u guys got any snacks onboard here
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.