When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
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Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
So many pants.
So little yoga.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it