Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
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You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single