They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
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Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train