They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
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Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.