They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
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Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
#parenting
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church