@Chumpstring: [Death Row] GUARD: last requests? INMATE: a little heroin would be nice TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard* INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

@StaceyShortcake: The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn't disappoint.

@Los01001111: I'm pretty sure God and Satan are both women, because who else would hold a grudge for that long?

@Fred_Delicious: "HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??" Me [from basement, out of breath] "what"

@Pundamentalism: ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago* BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”