They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
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Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
me 2 months after i graduated
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?