They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
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FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!