Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
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Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
My first son he is wonderful
Pass gas, not judgment.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.