They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
You Might Also Like
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?