Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
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“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Would you wear it?
OH. COME. ON.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun