@TheDairylandDon: They say drugs will hurt your long term memory but I kind of take pride in needing to Google the proper spelling of "Bieber" every damn time
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@joshgondelman: The best argument for "the sequel is never as good as the original" is birds v. dinosaurs.
@fabulouscop: *man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school* *teacher walks towards man* "are you expecting a child?" "no thats from all the beer"
@Just_Lee_: My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I'm disgusted. What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?
@SadieSmithRoks: Is no shave November just for men? Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.