“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
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I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Hello Twits.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
accurate
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing