They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
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*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither