They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
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Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
hey, alexa
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”