Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
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My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?