Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
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Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
gm
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola