They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
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Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Running from your problems is cardio .
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.