They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
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Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?