They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
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Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea