Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
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Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
*puts my mental health in rice
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
No Google it does not
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years