If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
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Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Breaking news:
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon