“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
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Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*