The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
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First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.