They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
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my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
This is me
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat