Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
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4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Same pineapple, same
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
uncle dave has been through hell
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out