@TheCatWhisprer: They say you shouldn't eat right before bed so now I just wait until I'm in bed.
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@jackiembouvier: Friend: Don't you recycle? Me: I do what I can. F: What about the seals? M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
@BeCoco77: I'll apologize for burning your house down if you apologize for telling me I "overreact."
@NicestHippo: She ate poison! We have to make her vomit! [everyone looks at me] [i roll my eyes and start getting naked]
@flashember: WIFE: This is dumb. DAUGHTER: This is so stupid. ME: This is getting out of hand! THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I'M LEAVING