They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
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BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like