They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
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The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.