They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
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My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Peter Parker Peter Driver
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?