You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
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Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.