Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
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[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”