They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
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New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper