@YoungNobler: They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, "I wouldn't normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card."
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@AbbyHasIssues: "Well-behaved women seldom make history," I whisper as I don't wait the full ten minutes for the oven to preheat.
@tuckerflodman: Hey girl, on a scale of 'Neo's mind in the beginning of The Matrix' and 'Neo's mind at the end', how free are you tonight?
@ashmensch: Ambien: Remember the time we picked a fight with Gary's garden gnome, chugged a jar of mayonnaise & passed out naked in Arby's parking lot?
@DaddyJew: Daddy, how'd you get that scar? *flashback to me tripping & falling while running from the police after a night of drunken debauchery* War