They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
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“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet