They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
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My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)