They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
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Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve