They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
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These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone