They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
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Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!