They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
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I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Ah yes. The three genders
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I laughed at this way too hard.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*